Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
we should paint friendship bongs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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