After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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