I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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