Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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