sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
