how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
