Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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