New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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