The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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