You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
