community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize