Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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