friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
