You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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