but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize