wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
