But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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