Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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