The maid of honor just puked.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
