I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He passed out mid-signature
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
