Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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