Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
