Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize