Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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