The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
