That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
