my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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