my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
