happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
