Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize