Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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