so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
