You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
