I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
