i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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