The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
