i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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