God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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