you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
