i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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