I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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