Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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