Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
