dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
