i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
