see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
