There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You have to summon your inner elephant
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
