She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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