how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
