I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Panties = found
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
