wanna go halves on a baby?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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