dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
