Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
