Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
