I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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