I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
