Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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