omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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